My post about being skinny

Hey guys, again this day ~

I decided to write this post because I got this secret today:

I would not consider myself as someone who has real eating disorders, but yes, it's true that I used to (and maybe I still do) have problems with eating. NOT because I want to be skinny or anything like that. I'm basically really skinny. Even my parents don't weight more than 55 kg. Sometimes even I am scared of some pics of me, because I don't feel myself that skinny. The worst pics I could find, but I don't remember if they are one or two years old:

this one is actually really scary. This time I already wasn't okay with eating a lot, I had food max. 2 times a day

BUT. Please notice that I'm short. My height is 163 cm. My weight is currently 45 kg. (Just lost 2 kg = =)

The real problem started when I decided to become a vegetarian. (Don't ask the reasons please, It was a personal choice.) I have to say that it was hard, because we also had to make changes in the family (like making my own food , not just my parents', buying more stuff that I can eat too.) First, my parents wanted me to forget it and just eat meat again, so they didn't buy as many food for me, only meat. But I rejected, and rather didn't eat anything. They accepted it after a short time, and everything became quite okay, although I didn't eat properly. but it was still okay.
I was doing this for more than a half year. And that one week started.My body became so weak that I couldn't stand up without feeling dizzy, I couldn't really do anything, wasn't able to focus on anything, didn't really go anywhere. At that time, I've also been dealing with insomnia for a few months already, so it just made things worse. Maybe you remember some of my old posts, about going to the doc, and the EKG, and X-Ray stuff. Well, I got the vitamins, but I rejected all the doctors, and didn't go. I knew I was okay, so I didn't need any help. But my doctor told me that I HAVE TO start eating meat again, otherwise I can prepare for a long hospital visit. So now, I'm eating chicken meat. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Letting you guys know, that I'm okay ;) When I am asked why I don't eat even if I am hungry, my answer is "I don't feel like it." Weird, but true. I'm also a heavy smoker, so I don't feel hungry as often as other people. That's also a thing that makes things worse. eww

With all the negative things, I generally love being skinny. But I would love to be at least 48-49 kg. But I can't. Thats my problem.

If u have any questions, feel free to ask me ~ (:

I'm out ~